The word "discipline" for a lot of people has become confused with the word "punishment." Punishment comes from the word for penalty and is also defined as "harsh treatment." Discipline however, comes from the Latin word, disciplina, which means student or pupil. To discipline, then, means simply to teach someone. What we teach children when we discipline them with love rather than anger or harsh treatment is how to get along with others in a loving rather than fearful or resentful way.
Age Appropriate Ways of Disciplining Children
Children are not mini-adults and should not be treated as if they were. They understand things from a very personal point of view and with only a few short months or years of memory and experience to draw on. It is important to remember that children take everything very much to heart. Unless you help a child understand that "bad" behavior doesn't make her a "bad" person, she will assume the worst about herself.
Children do need to learn to take others into consideration, to defer gratification and to behave in a way that is acceptable within their culture. This learning, however, takes many years and cannot be rushed. It isn't appropriate to expect a baby to understand that she must wait her turn to be fed or a toddler to control his burst of anger at being told "no." Remember, disciplining is about teaching, not punishing. Lessons take time and repetition to sink in and need to be presented in an understandable way to the child.
Appropriate Consequences are Key for Loving Discipline
Children know when they are being treated lovingly and logically and when they are not. Being spanked for hitting is both illogical and unloving. Punitive treatment, especially spanking, instills fear and a desire to get even and/or get away with breaking the rules.
Appropriate consequences take into account both the age of the child and what the consequence is really teaching him. Loving discipline is about helping children learn to get along peacefully with each other and within their greater community. To teach this, adults must first practice it.
Discipline and Infants
Infants have no concept of right or wrong. They only know what feels good and what feels bad to them. They express this knowing by smiles and coos or crying and crankiness. A cranky baby can be very nerve-wracking, but the only appropriate response to such behavior is to figure out what it wrong and fix it.
Yelling at a baby or handling him roughly is never acceptable. If a caregiver or parent becomes angry with an infant, he or she should immediately and gently put the baby down and take time to regroup or call for help. Never, ever, ever shake a baby, which can cause irreparable brain damage or death.
Discipline for Toddlers
Toddlers aren't ready to be reasoned with, but they are easy to redirect. When a toddler grabs something he shouldn't have, rather than jerking it away from him, offer him an acceptable alternative and chances are he'll trade without a fuss. When an adult is engaged in an activity, such as cooking, that requires concentration and/or could be dangerous, use baby gates or a playpen to keep a toddler nearby but safely corralled.
If a toddler throws a tantrum, wait for it to pass. Give her a hug once she's calmed down. Don't give in on whatever set her off, don't lecture, and don't get embarrassed if the tantrum happens in a public place. Most people will understand and appreciate your calm handling of the situation.
Discipline and Preschool Children
Preschool children are old enough to begin to understand and follow rules. Invite children this age to help make a list of commonsense and common courtesy rules for your daycare. Such a list should be simple and short--no more than five or six sentences--and posted on a wall for children and parents to see. Such a list might look like the following:
- We are gentle with each others' bodies.
- We are gentle with each others' feelings.
- We are gentle with the things around us.
- We use polite words such as "please" and "thank you."
- We walk and use quiet voices inside.
- We take turns and share.
Children this age understand that there are consequences for breaking rules. The consequences should be fair and fairly administered. One of the best all-purpose consequences for this age is the "Thinking Chair."
Using a Thinking Chair for Disciplining Children
Any chair that's handy can be a Thinking Chair. Even a rock or a bench at the park can be used. Unlike the traditional "time out," sitting in the Thinking Chair is not a form of punishment. Rather, it is a way for the child get her mind back into the driver's seat when her body or words are out of control. While in the Thinking Chair, a child is invited to consider what went wrong and what can be done to make amends. Though a child does not have the option of not sitting in the Thinking Chair, he has control of how long he sits there. When he is ready to rejoin the group, he tells the caregiver what amends he wants to make, makes it, and gets a hug. Once an amends has been made, the matter is closed and further discussion discouraged.
After using this technique for a while, particularly if the caregiver uses the Thinking Chair, too, the children will begin to self-regulate and "sit down to have a think" when they start feeling out of control
Give Parenting Tips on Discipline
Parents are often confused and frustrated about this issue and appreciate any tips a caregiver can give them. It is best for the children, and good for the adults, too, if everyone is on the same page. Age appropriate discipline and the Thinking Chair work as well at home as they do at daycare. Keep rules posted where parents can see them and answer parent's questions thoroughly and thoughtfully.
Loving Discipline in Child Care is Easy and Important
Discipline is about helping children learn how to be effective members of society. Take into consideration the ages of the children in the daycare. Do not expect them to think or behave like little adults. Gently nurture babies; redirect toddlers; involve older children in making the rules and give them a method, such as the Thinking Chair, to practice self-regulation. Most importantly, model gentleness and self-discipline on a daily basis. As the saying goes, "children learn what they live."
For more about children and discipline see: Discipline Children Without Yelling, and Teaching Children Kindness and Empathy
Patricia McFadden - Patricia McFadden, who also writes as Grian McFadden, is a former pre-school teacher and children’s librarian. She has an MFA in ...
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